Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sleep Deprived, Alone and Losing My Mind

For over a month I've been having trouble sleeping at night.  At times, I'll go days without sleep.  Not only am I dealing with sleep deprivation, but also a husband who is gone all the time, even when he's not working and a toddler who is becoming uncontrollable.  It's getting to the point where I just can't take it.  I cry my eyes out all the time.  I don't know what to do.  I feel like a pregnant, single mom struggling to make it through each day. 

I'm not a single mom. I've been married for 3 years now.  We just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary last week.  Yet, I struggle to get through each day feeling alone, helpless, lost and sad.  When he is home he complains about something not being done around the house or somehow makes me feel like I'm not adequate as a wife, mother or even a human being.  He's not abusive, just not understanding or helpful.  He thinks that being at home once in a while is enough.  I understand he has commitments with work and whatnot, but when he's home he spends hours away from his son and I outside either talking on his phone or just playing on it.  He has an iPhone and I hate it!!!!  Because of that phone, he spends less time with his family.  He's like an addict.  He says he can't stand me when I'm pregnant, so he tries to stay away as much as possible. That makes me feel alone in the relationship too.  When I was pregnant with our first son he would talk to my belly, read to it, and just bond.  This time around he's talked to my belly once.  I only have 3 1/2 months to go.  Heck, he barely talks to me or his son either, so why am I surprised.  My husband just doesn't understand being pregnant, nor does he care to. He thinks I'm just moody and complains that I'm always tired or not feeling well for no reason. Being the way he is makes me feel much worse. It's hard to deal with our son feeling the way I'm feeling. With him being gone all the time, I don't really get any help. I don't get any breaks or time to myself, which I desperately need right now. When I do have time, I'm doing things like laundry or dishes or cleaning, so I really don't get any time. He doesn't understand how much he affects me when he says or does some things and I don't think he cares at all.  It's no big deal to him.  I'm starting to wonder if he even wants this child I'm carrying.  I don't think I could feel more alone than I do right now. 

With the feelings I'm experiencing, I believe that has everything to do with me not sleeping.  I can go several days with no sleep at all.  I try so hard to lay down, clear my head and fall asleep, but I just end up with a migraine.  I know being pregnant is uncomfortable and can lead to sleepless nights, but when I can't stop my mind from wandering, that's the leading cause.  Because of this lack of sleep, I become extremely moody.  I think everyone does when they're so deprived of it.  When I can sleep or want to sleep, I can't.  I have commitments too...he's about two years old, with the cutest smile.  He's the most important anyway.  I also have to keep up with dishes and laundry and household chores.   Yet, according to my husband I don't keep up with them enough.  It's a vicious circle!  I just can't win. 

Not only is it hard to sleep, it's extremely hard to deal with my son when I have no control over my own emotions.  I love him so much, yet I can't help but feel that I'm not good enough to be his mom.  He deserves so much more than I can give him right now.  It all leads back to how I'm feeling.  He just turned two and is throwing tantrums all the time.  I just can't take them.  Right now I don't have the patience to deal with them the way I should be.  I just end up mad and frustrated, which doesn't help the situation at all.  He looks to me for everything, including guidance and discipline.  How can I guide him when I can't guide myself?  This affects him and how he deals with things.  He learns from me.  I'm failing! I don't even have the energy to properly discipline him when he does do something he isn't supposed to.  What am I supposed to do?  My son needs his mommy.  He needs me to be rested, mentally and physically.  He needs me to be strong emotionally.  He needs me to guide him.  All of these things I'm failing miserably at right now.